How Blessed I Am

Insecure, jealous, lonely, burnt out, lost,  desperate, uncertain, inadequate, empty, left behind, in-denial, sinful,  ungrateful,   insatiable,  miserable,   hopeless 

             Three sweet years ago, I was the kind of person nobody would like. I used to live in the dark world of compromise and self-fulfillment. Compliment, favor, flattery and praise were all my self-worth. I was always the most attention-seeking, people-pleasing, acceptance-pursuing damsel behind somebody's shadow. I guess, I was the most bitter, ungrateful, hardest and unhappiest person at that time; not because of what I have and don't have and what I went through or not, but simply because I drowned myself in gigantic despair.

           Now, I am here facing my computer with an offensive smile, laughing at the thoughts of my past life. If I would have a mirror in front of me with a now-and-before reflection, I would have a painful bruise from a slap of my previous self's vexation because of the grin of embarrassment in the look of my face. Like a very sarcastic, "Girl, what have you put yourself through? What a waste of excessive bitterness over your own insecurities!" I would be outrageously mad, back then.

           Well, that's the story of my petty, messy, heavy-laden old self.

And now, looking back...

          O' how I love looking back at my past! It always brings me back to the place of gratefulness and humility; understanding how I need God in my life and how I don't want to go back in that same position, old version of me. "Remember that in those days you were living utterly apart from Christ; you were enemies of God's children, and He had promised you no help. YOU WERE LOST, WITHOUT GOD, WITHOUT HOPE." ~Ephesians 2:23

           Finding myself on that first time I fell at Jesus' feet, time and again, is such a very humbling and vital experience that any of us should never neglect. It's good to always come back to that epic day when our lives have drastically changed by His amazing grace, that way we will never miss out of the ever-changing freshness of this sweet revelation of God's goodness in our lives. And God has done enormously of the most precious things in my life that I will never forget!

     "Praise the Lord , my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord , my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." ~Psalm 103:1-5

            Acknowledging His unconditional love and tender mercies always blow my head off. Who am I? What am I? What did I do and not do? Why did He love me when I'm most unlovable? Why is He so kind and faithful and gracious and loving and, and ...?" These are some of my curious questions. And God answered me little by little.

"But God is so rich in mercy; HE LOVED US SO MUCH that even though we were spiritually dead and doomed by our sins, He gave us back our lives again when He raised Christ from the dead---only by His undeserved favor have we ever been saved---and lifted us from the grave into glory along with Christ, where He sit with Him in the heavenly realms---all because of what Christ Jesus did." ~Ephesians 2:4

            It's NEVER because of who we are, but it's because of everything He is. It's NEVER because of what we have done, but it's because of what Christ had done. It's NEVER because we chose to follow Him, but it's because He first chose us even before the world ever existed.

"Long ago, even before He made the world, GOD CHOSE US TO BE HIS VERY OWN THROUGH WHAT CHRIST WOULD DO FOR US; He decided then to make us holy in His eyes, without a single fault---we who stand before Him covered with His love. HIS UNCHANGING PLAN HAS ALWAYS BEEN TO ADOPT US INTO HIS OWN FAMILY BY SENDING JESUS CHRIST TO DIE FOR US. And He did this because He wanted to!" ~Ephesians 1:4-5

                "There is nothing more humbling than to know that God Himself CHOSE us, among everyone else to be His friends and His sons and daughters. Why are you the one that He saved? Why not that annoying person who holds up the line? Why not that nice person who helps the poor with more than you do? Why not your close friend who was always there for you? Why you? Why me? I don't know why. But there's only one thing that I know: If God's grace had never come through in my life, I would never be this happy, content and satisfied, I would never like my life in the first place. Never."

               I will never forget of the pit which God has risen me up from, the sea of desperation and needless yearnings He helped me disembark from, and the monster on my own frame He rescued me from, for out of this awareness comes the overflowing thanksgiving from my mouth! "For I can never forget these awful years; always my soul will live in utter shame. But there is one ray of HOPE: HIS COMPASSION NEVER ENDS. It is only the Lord's mercies that have kept us from complete destruction. GREAT IS HIS FAITHFULNESS; HIS LOVING KINDNESS BEGINS AFRESH EACH DAY. My soul claims the Lord as my inheritance; therefore I WILL HOPE IN HIM. The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait for Him, to those who seek for Him. It is good both to hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." ~Lamentations 3:2o-25

               Wow! God, this is so crazy! Truly, blessed are those who chose to follow Jesus, who received His salvation by faith, who humbled themselves constantly to the Lord, who sought His face and His kingdom first, whose trust is in the Lord alone, who learned to acclaim Him and who persisted on walking in the light of His presence! The Bible says that, ""King David spoke of this describing the HAPPINESS of an undeserving sinner who is declared "NOT GUILTY" by God. 'BLESSED and to be ENVIED,' he said, 'are those whose sins are forgiven and put out of sight. Yes, what a JOY  there is for anyone whose sins are no longer counted against him by the Lord.'" ~Romans 4:6-7

               After everything that I had become before and all that I had done wrong, God looked past all of that. Knowing that "because of what Christ has done, we have become GIFTS TO GOD THAT HE DELIGHTS IN, as part of God's sovereign plan we were chosen from the beginning to be His," (Ephesians 1:11) And I can never be more than grateful. I can safely say that I'm one of the living testimonies of God's ultimate power to transforming lives and to making everything new! Yes, I'm still on the on-going process of being what God has called me to be, but fully grasping and being rooted with my salvation and blessed hope are enough to get me there. This is not a make-believe kind of thing. This is not a mere interesting idea that I just made up on my mind, something so wonderful that it feels surreal. 

No, this is the TRUTH! And this is my testimony.

Philippians 3:12:

                 "I don't mean to say I am PERFECT. I haven't learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be."                                                                                           

Running In Circles

"I'm so forgetful but You always remind me

You're the only One who brings me peace

You're the only One who brings me peace

So I come, Lord I come

I come, I come

To tell you I love You

To tell you I need You

To tell You there's no better place for me than in Your arms

To tell You I'm sorry for running in circles

For placing my focus on the waves and not Your face

You're the only one who brings me peace

You're the only one who brings me peace"

    Lately, I've been just so busy with my life, my distractions, my battles. I found a great danger in own walk with God when I feel like I get petty revelations from Him. I feel so caught up with myself, my own ways, that I became too complacent and too insensitive of His presence. But to make it clear, God has been pressing in some new revelations  within me to rekindle my faith; I was just so busy to put it up on words. My heart and mind were just all over the place, running in circles.

              Praise be to God that even when I'm too dumb to take Him for granted, He never fails. So I've been meditating on this verse that God has given me this week. It's so powerful and alive!

               "Even when we are too WEAK to have any faith left, HE REMAINS FAITHFUL TO US and will help us, for He cannot disown us who are PART OF HIMSELF, and He will always carry out His promises to us." ~2Timothy 2:13

      It's so overwhelming to know that even when our loyalty to God fails, HE STILL REMAINS FAITHFUL TO US. Our feelings CANNOT change His faithfulness; HE NEVER CHANGES. Even when we choose not to trust Him because it feels like it doesn't make sense, it only takes a blind man to see the invisible. But then again, it doesn't change His character towards us. So loving and kind, slow to anger and rich in love! 

                I can't still understand how God does this; how His mercies are new every morning, how He is so patient with us ungrateful, proud mere creatures, how He Himself, the Creator, reminds us of His unfailing love and unwavering faith that we'll see the way He sees and how He lets us savor and experience His grace again  and again, with new perspective and encounter.

                In the midst of the hurricane in my heart and knot-tied chaos on my head, He is the peace in the middle of the storm. He is the arm that catches me at the edge. His wing covers me, and declared me perfect instead on His eyes of mercy. He lets me come boldly to His throne with unveiled eyes and with unashamed soul. He came through to my every despair, He had always come through to carry out His promises for me!

                I love How He sweep me off my feet like this! My Spirit leaps for joy to know that I have a Father like this----the only perfect Father who loves me perfectly, all of me, despite me! A constant Lover and Forgiver, who's mercy and grace never run out of me. 

Too much for God?

People tend to believe that God doesn't expect too much from us. We live as though going the extra miles with Him is something inappropriately extravagant. We discounted our commitments to God because we thought, we're doing just fine. We blunt, "Surely, God would not be mad if you miss one Friday night out." And usually worse, we mistakably put our feet on God's shoes saying, "I don't think God is pleased when we do too much for Him. We can serve Him once or twice a week. Let's say Sundays. But to do it everyday, consuming all our time for church, is just too much!"

In Malachi 1, God is reminding us how to serve Him ideally. He harshly accuses us of not honoring Him and even despising His mighty  Name. And so we say, "Who? Us? When did we ever despise your name?" (v.6) I thought I was loving you just enough?

And God, who knows our deepest desires and the core of our being says, "Everytime you say, 'Don't bother bringing anything very valuable to offer to God!' 8 You tell the people, 'Lame animals are all right to offer on the altar of the Lord---yes, even the sick and the blind ones.'" (v.7-8)

Didn't we just serve Him all right and fair enough?

We've lost our revelation of Christ! Because if we really know His glory, His power, His omnipotence, we will not treat Him like a double-pay paycheck we get only every holidays! But no, we unconsciously viewed Him just as somebody special, together with the other special things and people we tagged in our lives. We degrade His value by prioritizing other aspects of our tiny world. We act as if we can downsize His nature by giving Him what we thought is enough for Him, leaving Him residues of our self-consumed, much pre-occupied life.o

What God desires from us are not our halfhearted commitment, lukewarm faith, not genuine surrender, discounted submission and self-centered devotion. He wants our everything: every beat of our hearts, every breath that we breathe, and every moment that we live!

So many times we rob from God what is due to Him. We rob Him of His tithes, His respect, and His sovereignty in our lives. Most of the time too, we serve leftovers to God! We give just a portion of our abundance, a spare time of our long weekdays and a scrap devotion after the things we put on top of Him; our job, education, relationships, ambitions, life goals to name some of it. But something is better than nothing, right?

We ought to know that this life is not ours! He is our Father and our Master! And as His loving servant, we can never take control, it must be Him! We, on the passenger seat or even at the backseat, can't direct the driver what to do. We ought to just let Him drive our lives and just rest.

The Story of Mary tells us much on how to really pleasingly worship our God.

"Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume."~John 12:3

I love how Mary lavished her love for Christ. She poured her love to Jesus even when it costed her the most valuable thing she inherited. She gave it all away to Christ simply because she knows that Jesus is more worth than a bottle of an expensive perfume. He deserves our best, our everything. She gave up what the world thought was necessary and valuable, in exchange for what really matters; her soul.

"But the fact that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about ETERNITY, and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives." ~Francis Chan

But then there is always this Judas Iscariot in our lives who's gonna stop us from lavishing extravagantly for God, reminding us our desires to hold on to our riches, our finances, our acquisitions, our achievements and our valuables in this earthly life. (v.4-6)

I am really sick to my stomach whenever I hear people say to me, "Kim, you're doing too much and over what is necessary. Chill out and enjoy life." People who knows less, so to speak. They totally don't understand what they were talking about.

As much as it makes me sick, it also breaks my heart knowing that these people know nothing about truly being a follower of Christ. They settle with their okay devotions, not even concerning the thoughts of fully submitting to the Father. They assumed all their lives that they are Good Soils and that Heaven awaits for them because they live fairly, they give to the poor and they don't kill, cheat or hurt people. But God has been warning us that "not everybody who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of God. Only those who do My will." And yes, we can do and put on our Christian-y costumes but leave our hearts far away from God.

I agree much with Francis Chan when he wrote:

"God is holy. In heaven exists a Being who decides whether or not I take another breath. This holy God deserves excellence, the very best I have."

I don't even think I serve God enough with my too much. I do not even consider myself giving back even an enough percentage of love to Him. Even my whole lifetime can't be enough to reimburse Him what He'd given me.

But I won't try any harder. I don't need to be His Child, for I already am! I just simply want to rest on this truth and lay my head on His arms"The solution is not to push yourself into behaving perfectly; the solution is to cultivate your love for God.", said Francis.

God said, if we are to worship Him without our lives totally surrendered to Him, it's better to not worship at all. It's senseless for us to give every sacrifices if our motivation is not backed up with the overflowing love we have for Him and if we don't value Him more than anything else. Our worship must not be backed up by our guilt to giving nothing, instead because beyond the extremities of our ability, we can't simply give enough to repay Him of all the amazing things He has done in our lives.

To "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind." is not just a phrase to be memorized, instead it is a quote to live by.

I would be much willing to be called as someone so obsessed with God, crazy about Jesus or crazy about my church, than to be called someone-in-love-with-the-world. That's not the kind of label I desire God to witness me in His last days.

For I know, the only well-spent time, money, and love are when they are spent in return to God's love. You know you never wasted what you lavished for Him.

Hide Your Love Away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81KlcCZvl94&feature=youtube_gdata_player

So many times I sat on the  backseat with sweet couples infront of me. Somehow, the culture tells me to frustrate about their holding hands and the looks in their eyes. Something echoes in my ear saying, "Why are you still single? Why are you still alone?"

It's been nearly two years since I've had my last relationship. Actually, calling it like one is a vague consideration for it was the shortest span of time I've got involved with a guy: 3 Days!
Out of the 7 guys I've been together with, I can tell that I never knew love by then. It's not that I just played or anything, I realized that those were just merely strong infatuations. Nothing more, nothing less.

Some of my friends, especially my family told me that I'm too picky about boys. But to me, it's more than the this and that; 

I knew that there is this THE BEST ONE and I WILL deserve him.

Then One came to the picture, someone that any God girls would ever look for.

I admit that He was One of the main reasons why I dumped all the guys who went on the way, not because they are dumb or anything, but because my heart was already taken over.

He have taught me a lot of things, and of course, emotions. He got me excited whenever I see Him, he got me lost in his eyes and I gave him my true love. But none of all that mattered, except to me. It took me long years to consider that it isn't the right time nor place, or even probably the right One yet.

The only right thing that happened to me in the covered time of falsely believing "This is it!" is when I met JESUS CHRIST! That had been the greatest acquaintance ever in anyone's life!

Then He also taught me to become a better person. He got me to wait on Him until I see Him, He saved me with the love in His eyes, and He gave me truest love.

All more likely the contrary of what I thought real love is. And I can totally agree that "This is really not yet it!". There is more to life ... than boys!

Then, my life became extremely different! From bitter to a better heart, from a lover to a beloved. All of these was shown by the Living God Himself, whose love is incomparable! Much of the stuffs He did in my life are gonna be tackled in my next blog called, "How He 'Overtook My Heart'" which I'll be working on next. This blog is inspired by my self-composed worship song. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmThP1OIMXU&feature=youtube_gdata_player)

So I just wanna encourage my young lovely women here; single, taken, heartbroken, non-moving-on and waiting. Yes, you are YOUNG, not only by age but there are still more time left for you so don't rush in. And yes, you are LOVELY because you are wonderfully made and loved by the King!
Trust me I know that being a girl sometimes is a burden when you like someone but you can't do anything-you can't do the pursuing! It's so hard to wait! 

But trust me too when I say, YOU ARE WORTH-PURSUING, WORTH-LOVING and  WORTH-WAITING FOR as well!

For the meantime, while waiting for our prince charming to man up, let's focus on to what's important in life: our relationship with Christ. Let us understand that there's nothing in our lifetime that would matter than that. "And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?" ~Matthew 16:26

We may be the most beautiful girl in our circle, but that's not important: "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." ~Proverbs 31:30 

We may be the wittiest one, but that's not important too: "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." ~Isaiah 55:8

We may be rich, famous and the heir of all the world has to offer but that's not true success: "Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers." ~Psalm 1:1-3

We may have the The Best Boyfriend/Husband, but that's not the Truest Love: "Greater love has no one than this, that One (Jesus Christ) lay down His life for his friends." ~John 15:13

Don't trip about having a boyfriend yet because first: we really don't need one! ( I don't know with you, though) Second: we can trust that whoever God wills for us, he would be perfectly perfect for us. And third: we are not alone, the Creator of Love itself is always with us!

Let us focus then in responding in love to Him. That's all He asks for us, to love Him with all our hearts, mind, strength and soul. That may sound so demanding but there's no human endeavor which can surpass the worth of that! The reward is a complete satisfaction, not only here on earth but to afterlife.

So while waiting for this picture-perfect season of our lives, can we be the Right Women for our anticipated Right Men first? Let us let ourselves become more Christlike so we can be the Bride that anybody deserve. Let us hide our love away and save it for the Best! Let us preserve ourselves in purity, hope, righteousness and expectancy of His great Will. For if we do and wait on Him, God will place the perfect persons in our lives. We may have met the right One, yes or no, but let us know that God is perfect in His timing. And let us let Him hold the pen of our life so He can write the best love story we can far off imagine.