Insecure, jealous, lonely, burnt out, lost, desperate, uncertain, inadequate, empty, left behind, in-denial, sinful, ungrateful, insatiable, miserable, hopeless
Three sweet years ago, I was the kind of person nobody would like. I used to live in the dark world of compromise and self-fulfillment. Compliment, favor, flattery and praise were all my self-worth. I was always the most attention-seeking, people-pleasing, acceptance-pursuing damsel behind somebody's shadow. I guess, I was the most bitter, ungrateful, hardest and unhappiest person at that time; not because of what I have and don't have and what I went through or not, but simply because I drowned myself in gigantic despair.
Now, I am here facing my computer with an offensive smile, laughing at the thoughts of my past life. If I would have a mirror in front of me with a now-and-before reflection, I would have a painful bruise from a slap of my previous self's vexation because of the grin of embarrassment in the look of my face. Like a very sarcastic, "Girl, what have you put yourself through? What a waste of excessive bitterness over your own insecurities!" I would be outrageously mad, back then.
Well, that's the story of my petty, messy, heavy-laden old self.
And now, looking back...
O' how I love looking back at my past! It always brings me back to the place of gratefulness and humility; understanding how I need God in my life and how I don't want to go back in that same position, old version of me. "Remember that in those days you were living utterly apart from Christ; you were enemies of God's children, and He had promised you no help.YOU WERE LOST, WITHOUT GOD, WITHOUT HOPE." ~Ephesians 2:23
Finding myself on that first time I fell at Jesus' feet, time and again, is such a very humbling and vital experience that any of us should never neglect. It's good to always come back to that epic day when our lives have drastically changed by His amazing grace, that way we will never miss out of the ever-changing freshness of this sweet revelation of God's goodness in our lives. And God has done enormously of the most precious things in my life that I will never forget!
It's NEVER because of who we are, but it's because of everything He is. It's NEVER because of what we have done, but it's because of what Christ had done. It's NEVER because we chose to follow Him, but it's because He first chose us even before the world ever existed.
I will never forget of the pit which God has risen me up from, the sea of desperation and needless yearnings He helped me disembark from, and the monster on my own frame He rescued me from, for out of this awareness comes the overflowing thanksgiving from my mouth! "For I can never forget these awful years; always my soul will live in utter shame. But there is one ray of HOPE: HIS COMPASSION NEVER ENDS. It is only the Lord's mercies that have kept us from complete destruction. GREAT IS HIS FAITHFULNESS; HIS LOVING KINDNESS BEGINS AFRESH EACH DAY. My soul claims the Lord as my inheritance; therefore I WILL HOPE IN HIM. The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait for Him, to those who seek for Him. It is good both to hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." ~Lamentations 3:2o-25
O' how I love looking back at my past! It always brings me back to the place of gratefulness and humility; understanding how I need God in my life and how I don't want to go back in that same position, old version of me. "Remember that in those days you were living utterly apart from Christ; you were enemies of God's children, and He had promised you no help.
Finding myself on that first time I fell at Jesus' feet, time and again, is such a very humbling and vital experience that any of us should never neglect. It's good to always come back to that epic day when our lives have drastically changed by His amazing grace, that way we will never miss out of the ever-changing freshness of this sweet revelation of God's goodness in our lives. And God has done enormously of the most precious things in my life that I will never forget!
Acknowledging His unconditional love and tender mercies always blow my head off. Who am I? What am I? What did I do and not do? Why did He love me when I'm most unlovable? Why is He so kind and faithful and gracious and loving and, and ...?" These are some of my curious questions. And God answered me little by little."Praise the Lord , my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord , my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." ~Psalm 103:1-5
"But God is so rich in mercy; HE LOVED US SO MUCH that even though we were spiritually dead and doomed by our sins, He gave us back our lives again when He raised Christ from the dead---only by His undeserved favor have we ever been saved---and lifted us from the grave into glory along with Christ, where He sit with Him in the heavenly realms---all because of what Christ Jesus did." ~Ephesians 2:4
It's NEVER because of who we are, but it's because of everything He is. It's NEVER because of what we have done, but it's because of what Christ had done. It's NEVER because we chose to follow Him, but it's because He first chose us even before the world ever existed.
"Long ago, even before He made the world, GOD CHOSE US TO BE HIS VERY OWN THROUGH WHAT CHRIST WOULD DO FOR US; He decided then to make us holy in His eyes, without a single fault---we who stand before Him covered with His love. HIS UNCHANGING PLAN HAS ALWAYS BEEN TO ADOPT US INTO HIS OWN FAMILY BY SENDING JESUS CHRIST TO DIE FOR US. And He did this because He wanted to!" ~Ephesians 1:4-5
"There is nothing more humbling than to know that God Himself CHOSE us, among everyone else to be His friends and His sons and daughters. Why are you the one that He saved? Why not that annoying person who holds up the line? Why not that nice person who helps the poor with more than you do? Why not your close friend who was always there for you? Why you? Why me? I don't know why. But there's only one thing that I know: If God's grace had never come through in my life, I would never be this happy, content and satisfied, I would never like my life in the first place. Never."
Wow! God, this is so crazy! Truly, blessed are those who chose to follow Jesus, who received His salvation by faith, who humbled themselves constantly to the Lord, who sought His face and His kingdom first, whose trust is in the Lord alone, who learned to acclaim Him and who persisted on walking in the light of His presence! The Bible says that, ""King David spoke of this describing the HAPPINESS of an undeserving sinner who is declared "NOT GUILTY" by God. 'BLESSED and to be ENVIED,' he said, 'are those whose sins are forgiven and put out of sight. Yes, what a JOY there is for anyone whose sins are no longer counted against him by the Lord.'" ~Romans 4:6-7
After everything that I had become before and all that I had done wrong, God looked past all of that. Knowing that "because of what Christ has done, we have become GIFTS TO GOD THAT HE DELIGHTS IN, as part of God's sovereign plan we were chosen from the beginning to be His," (Ephesians 1:11) And I can never be more than grateful. I can safely say that I'm one of the living testimonies of God's ultimate power to transforming lives and to making everything new! Yes, I'm still on the on-going process of being what God has called me to be, but fully grasping and being rooted with my salvation and blessed hope are enough to get me there. This is not a make-believe kind of thing. This is not a mere interesting idea that I just made up on my mind, something so wonderful that it feels surreal.
No, this is the TRUTH! And this is my testimony.
Philippians 3:12:
"I don't mean to say I am PERFECT. I haven't learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be."
