This is the season of truthfulness and conviction. This is not a mere testing, this is more of a wake up call.
Just recently, God has place me in a position of great famine and drought of His presence. It's like a start over, like an I-never-knew-God-before kind of testing. An intense asking, seeking and knocking state of my life.
All this time I thought God had the entire me completely, solely and exclusively. No more looking at the corner, just at Him. I thought I was never to feel any spark for somebody else again, I thought I was completely moved on and I thought ... all wrong!
Not until my ultimate Achilles' feet showed up again by his whims!
After a year of isolation from his mighty presence, my old friend came out of the blue again. Like the old ways, toying my serenity with his heartless, out-of-caprice, sudden presence.
Indeed, he was both a blessing and a curse to me. Blessing that through him, I met Jesus. Curse that through him, I can't love ONLY Jesus. He was particularly the biggest thorn in my life. It's with him where I am best tested and where I'm always found failed too.
At first, I used to be so bitterly mad at him. But God taught me not to put on hate in myself, so I just turned my gaze on Jesus Christ Himself, the Lover of my soul. And it has been a good riddance.
Along the way, it felt way better. No more sorrow, no more pain. Just pure joy and peace in loving Christ! I'm in the perfect harmony with my feelings, more established in my faith when he comes around again, and devastated my every composure!
When that happened, so quickly God put me in a test where He'd hidden Himself away from me, astounding heresies about Him on my shoulders and praying and worshiping Him felt like talking to a wall. To a much extent where I almost lost Him! My soul was crumbled and filled with hopelessness!
Then a verse outstood in this state of mind:
"You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: YOU HAVE FORSAKEN YOUR FIRST LOVE." ~Revelation 2:3
I can take persecutions, judgments, condemnations, self-insufficiencies, troubles, and problems well. But he is my bittersweet waterloo. *Sigh*
After all that I've been through and every mountains that I went through, still I stumble upon an old redundant mess that I could've overcome a long time ago. Only if I just listened, only if I just stopped holding on. But I didn't. Still I haven't.
God has told me a Word through a Prophecy given to me when I was at Kansas City, Missouri. When I remembered it, my heart was filled with ultimate joy! He assured,
"God KNOWS how much you want Him."
I am actually about to beat myself up when the enemy, again, was telling me that God was just a mere REBOUND to me. Like I love Him simply because I want to forget someone, that He was just some sort of a comfort zone-the only place where I can feel love, and that He never really have my life-just a part of it!
Those are lies! GOD KNOWS MY HEART! And He knows for sure that when I told Him I love Him, that wasn't just something I made up in my mind. It was the Truth!
And so He told me, "You see a HYPOCRITE, but I see a TRUE LOVER!"
A part of it maybe true, I could take the guilt and claim every lies, BUT NOT THE ONE WHEN I SAID I LOVE THE FATHER!
We both know I really did and still do even right now, but somehow it was also might true that He had just a part of me. There's still a part of me which is not totally surrendered to Him.
And it was my biggest plea.
"Let God be your FIRST LOVE."
My hearts is screaming out Jesus be my First Love, be my Only Love and be my True Love!
I want to go back in to that place and time where I really encountered His love and finally got it. That moment where He is the strength of my heart, where loving Him is the greatest thing to do, where His love beholds me with awestruck wonder, where His love is the only thing that matters, worthy and valuable to me. Those are the most precious moments of my life.
God has never been worthy of our spare time, love and devotion. And though our hearts are fallen debris of a broken one, every pieces are still deserving of Him. Even when we are broken, He still wants us full.
"Don't worry about the corner."
All this time I thought that to reach my dream of being loved back by a mere human would make me the happiest person alive. I've always believed that only a man can make a woman complete and satisfied. Still, some of you might be fully convinced by this cliche too. But let me tell you the truth, indeed only a man can give us a surpassing joy, peace, love and fullness, that's no other than Jesus who came to the world, humbled Himself to reach us, who looked at us with love while hanging there on the Cross, who happens to be the same person who called you Beloved, His Children, His own!
How can it be that loving Him seemed to be so demanding? The person that we love right now would have think not only twice but a millions times before he could be willing to die for us. How can it be so satisfying then, if they are also like us, broken and inabundant of love?
And I want this foolishness to end right now. He has been one of my idols I haven't let gone of til now. For GOD IS A JEALOUS GOD! And yet I praised Him for that! For when He is jealous of me, then His precious love transcends how zealous He is for me. And I value that treasure, I would not want to replace that for any measure!
I want to surrender it all for Christ, coz He is the Greater Good in this world! And if loving Him wholly requires me to give up even my deepest dreams and long-wanted desires, to put my love for Him on top of everything and to turn my back to any other lover, I would do. I'll break my heart for what breaks His! Indeed, it'll hurt for sure but if that is what will make me gain Christ even more, even now, that will not be too much for Him to ask me for. There might be a cost, but there will be no loss at all.
No man, not even our parent's love, friend's console and prayed-for, wanted lover's acceptance could ever outweigh the way God loves us through Jesus! And yes, I say yes to Someone who truly loves me, despite me! For only with Christ, I will never be disappointed. ~Romans 10:11
Thus, I don't want to set my heart to men anymore. Not that I became a man-hater, I just want to fully embrace God's ultimately FIRST and GREATEST commandment; to LOVE Him with all of my heart, all of my soul, all of my mind, all of my strength, all of my life, all of me! (Luke 10:27) These are the best desires of my heart and with which by its means I can achieve my hardest cry: "One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." ~Psalm 27:4
Not also that I totally close my heart to somebody. But I am also convinced that opening my heart to God is way more important. I would not forget to love people, but in preservation of my own heart, I would love him JUST as I love myself, not as much as I would love God!
After all, I want to be His one faithful lover, a non-adulteress lover, a solely set apart Bride! Alligning my fairytale-like happy ending with God's own perspective of it, most fascinatingly, one with Him in the picture.
No comments:
Post a Comment