Have you ever reached the point in your life when you almost lost the pieces of yourself that you know are the most important to you? On a simpler sense, let me put it this way. Did you ever look at your reflection in the mirror and say, "That is not the same [Your Name] who I used to know." If yes, did it come to a point when people's thoughts about who and what you are were just completely opposites of what you think about your own self?
April 25, 2014, almost a year ago - the day of my birthday. I went to my church's Friday Night Youth Fellowship, my most favorite part of the week when my friends and I meet at the sanctuary worshiping and studying the Word together. After the service, the youth surprised me with a cake and sang me a Happy Birthday. We did birthday blessings. For me, it was one of the most surreal moments of my life because (1) I never thought they would surprise me at all, and (2) as they went around throwing me birthday blessings, they told a few things about me that I could hardly believe about myself anymore. Some told me that I have a very contagious joy that is new and vibrant to them. Some said that they admired the way I worshiped the Lord with all my heart, not being shy about the people around me. Some said that I was very strong in my walk that even when there were so many persecutions and trials that came my way, I was still able to fight through all that. They think that the more I was being challenged, the more I push through and never quit. I believe they were talking real things about me but I just kept on crying that time because somehow I felt like they were talking about the old me who is now boxed in a lonely shell in the corner. I just felt a huge estrangement upon my own self, as if I am a foreigner not knowing who she really is. And to top it all, my dearest friend gave me a wonderful notebook that says, "When God thinks of you, He smiles." Then I burst into tears.
"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?" (Galatians 3:7)
Honestly, after being born again a couple years back, I actually thought I got it all together. I was a "God Girl" whose First Love is the Lord God, I was a faithful servant who sang in the worship team, I was an unshakable believer in the midst of persecutions, I was an encouragement to the souls whom brought closer to God, and I was one of the most active "Jesus Girl" I met. But it all turned out to be a phase. I went through this phase of Christianity where everything I thought I would never do, I did and the person I'd never thought I will be, I became.
What's hard was that I had to keep it all within myself. No one really knew what I was going through, except God who I still pushed away. I've gone nursing my sins and struggles, and lived in denial of their presence and consequences. I've gone harboring a bitterness towards a friend who hurt me the most, as if it made me a better person. I've gone living a life of no peace thinking that the people whom I gave my trust will in no time break it again. I knew I was becoming a person who was nothing like the real me, but I never did anything to stop it from happening. I let the winds tossed me side by side; I became complacent and turned to be exactly the person I feared to become. Apathy struck me hard, which led me to a spiritual lukewarmness. To top that, I started to lose my voice for no reason, and found to have vocal nodules which kept me away from singing in the worship team. Not to mention how this very blog site has became stagnant and empty. Finally, as a result of my mindless self-detachment from all the things that have something to do with God, I committed two sins that the Lord Himself has spoken about,
"they have forsaken Me - the Fountain of Living Waters - and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water" (Jeremiah 2:13).
Unfortunately, I became self-sufficient. I started to live a lie that everything I have so far in my life is enough to make me happy. I made an idol out of people and things that I thought would satisfy me. I prioritized everything else in my life, except God. There were sin and shame that I tried to justified. Busyness caught me all the way up. And there was a bunch more excuses I made up to get away. All of a sudden, following Christ became so hard and living by the Spirit became a struggle. All of a sudden, running this race set before me seemed to be very impossible.
I bet you know what happened next...
I emerged to be same kind of person I was before I met the Lord: unhappy, unsatisfied, disturbed, regretful, distressed, and lost.
But today, I want to remember the love that was lavished upon me on the Cross of Calvary. I want to look straight into the eyes of mercy who sees and knows me better than I know myself. I want to listen to His voice that nobody else has, speaking words of truth that brings life to my soul. I just want to soak in His arms that was wrapped around me all this time, I just want to be with my Jesus.
I know that I have gone away, but the truth is that there is no greater length that God could not reach for me. There is no sin too deep that Jesus cannot heal me. There is no shame so big that can extinct me from being His daughter. There is just nothing that could separate His love for me (Romans 8:38-39). No matter how cliché it may sound, this truth is my only hope of glory - the love of God through Christ is the only reality I can hold on to.
I don't know who I am speaking to right now, but whoever you are who is self-condemning yourself for what you have done and what you have chosen to become, God does not look at you in the same lens. He understands that you are human enough to make mistakes. He does not see a hypocrite, He sees a child who is trying to be like Him in this evil world. He does not see a failure, He sees a work-in-process masterpiece who is destined for more than just his imperfections!
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him" (Luke 15:20).
Like the Father of the prodigal son in Luke 15, God Himself runs towards us with an outstretched arms to welcome us back. We have a merciful and loving God. All He needs from us is a genuine admittance of our sins and a commitment to turn away from all our inequities. As soon as we decide to surrender our lives back to the Lord, He comes rushing down to meet us halfway like we never strayed away and offended His heart. His compassion is everlasting, and no one can't take that away from us.
“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son" (verse 21).
There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! (Romans 8:1). It is true that we are not worthy to be called sons and daughters of God because of our sinful flesh. Indeed we do not deserve the love of God, but that is why Jesus came down from His throne to die for our sins! At this very moment, as weak and as sinful as we are, God's love covered a multitude of our sins through Jesus Christ. Now, when God thinks of you, when He hears your name and when He sees your face, He sings songs of mercy over you. He surrounds you with a special anointing of His grace because He understands your pain. He knew everything. He saw your tears, He saw how you fought the fight. He saw your frustration on yourself whenever you failed Him. He saw that you have not intentionally broken His heart.
“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet" (verse 22).
Not only that God forgives us and cleanses us from our sins, He is giving us a new clothing, the "best robe" which signifies a new beginning and a new identity that is found in Him. God is willing and eager to give us the Kingdom here on earth. God is a god of second to million chances. It is never too late to go back to the Lord and ask Him to be your Lord and Savior.
After all that I have been through, I believe with my whole heart that GOD IS
STILL GOOD to me. Although I have encountered all sorts of heartache, betrayal,
and abuse, GOD is still good for giving me another chance to start with a clean
slate all over again. He has not let my past take a hold of me in my future. He
has completely saved me from this mess that I have gotten myself into. And I am
more than thankful, better yet excited, for all that He has in store for me in
the days to come!
From a
God girl that I started from, God is molding me through the experiences He
allowed to happen to me for the purpose of becoming the woman after His own Heart. Before I just speak words that I know was true but has not been proven in
my life just yet. God must be thinking that, "No, child. You have not seen
it yet. It is one thing to say words of truth, but it is another thing to
experience those truths in your very life." He has then given me testings
and challenges to better understand, even get a glimpse, of His will and
heart.
I know that I was made
for more. I know that this pit that I am in right now is not where God has
destined me for. I know that what I have become is only a version of myself who
will unlock the deepest treasures inside of me. I know that the experiences I went through will only be my greatest testimony. I know that they will only make me stronger, because God is on my side always. I know He was there in every season, interceding and cheering me on. He has been faithful to me in the times I have been so unfaithful to Him. He has been silent but was always as close as my heart. He has devotedly preserved my place in His kingdom even in those moments when I haven't been in my truest self. His prayers for me are what kept me alive until now, His grace is what has delivered me from total destruction. In fact, the beauty of this is season is I get to learn so much about myself: I confirmed that there is nothing in this world — that is ever available or ever beautiful — that I could exchange God for! Jesus Christ is my Great Reward. The world may add up all its beauty, but it is nothing compared to the beauty of Jesus Christ — the Hope of Glory. I belonged to Him and always been His; there is no better identity that I can long for than to be found in Him. He alone satisfies and bring life to our lowly souls. I am willing to sacrifice even my selfish desires for the sake of knowing Him and living for Him for as much as I can.
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